Put the Seat Down

Sean Barney
Feb 24, 2020
4 min read

Updated: Mar 24, 2020

Sometimes the most, seemingly, innocuous actions can have the most devastating consequences. This is the story of how and why my wife left my son and I. I'm hoping this will serve as a cautionary tale to the rest of the world that happens to micturate in a standing position. Put the toilet seat down.

I grew up in a house whose majority gender was male. My dad, my two brothers, and my mom. My mom would often chastise the three of us for not putting the toilet seat down after urinating. We could always pass this offense off on whichever male wasn't present at the time of the chastising. "It wasn't me, mother. I always put the seat down after passing urine and I always wipe instead of shake!"

I think the litany of lies is what eventually killed her. Years of suffering in silence made her heart stop beating one day. Maybe it was all the other million paper cuts inflicted upon her. Drinking out of the bottle and half-eating leftovers straight from the fridge. My brothers liked to eat butter straight out of the dish (there were always finger marks in the butter.) Our rooms were never clean.

A week before she passed, though, she sat me down at the kitchen table. "Sean," she said. "Promise me this one thing." "Sure, Mom. Anything." I replied.

"I don't want your wife to have to live with what I've had to."

She looked directly into my eyes. Her one good eye was filling with tears. "Please remember to put the toilet seat down when you're done peeing."

Even on a recent trip to my father's house my willful ignorance was on display. Luckily my much younger sisters never had to live with me and the torment I inflict. My sister, who is a Little Person, was stuck on the toilet for over five hours. She was unable to reach her phone and call for help. The rest of us were at a football game.

My sister, who is a Little Person, was stuck on the toilet for over five hours. She was unable to reach her phone and call for help. The rest of us were at a football game.

My wife and I had been together for over a decade. Over the years, we've always had roommates. All of them male. All of them easy scapegoats for my crimes. I know in my heart that there have been other infractions that could have easily been avoided.

I should have been more considerate.

(clockwise)Shave trimmings in the sink. My wife tripping over shoes left carelessly in the middle of the floor. Toilet paper roll my son destroyed to use the tube for a hamster toy. Empty ice cube tray placed in freezer without being refilled.

My wife would casually laugh me off for forgetting to put the toilet seat down. "Oh, you!" she'd say. "Hon, seriously we have people coming over." "Dude, I almost fell in." "Sean, I fell in...again."

When we had our son, everything was about "poop or pee" for a few years. When he learned to talk, everything he talked about was "poop or pee". He learned to draw "poop and pee". He learned to write "poop and pee". I thought it was hilarious! I may have, even, encouraged it. I thought it was fine.

He was writing and drawing, right?

No screen time. Except for the time he texted his mother "poop and pee" from my phone. I thought it was all pretty normal. In fairness, my wife did as well.. . for a while. The years went by and this "toilet bowl conspiracy" grew deeper around her until one day it mutated.

The new generation of "Barney-men" had changed the game. Simon peed on the seat.

My wife was rushing to get him to swim class. She just wanted two minutes to herself to read the front page of the Boston Globe. She forgot her years of training. She sat without looking.

All of the years had finally added up. Simon and I threw hypotheses at each other. Were we ugly? Were we not funny enough? Simon told me. "You ate too much of Mommy's birthday dessert!" He had a moment of self-realization. "Oh. You don't like dessert."

We were so confused, at first. Always, we'd thought that we'd been so generous and kind to our favorite woman - Nay! Our favorite person. Did Simon and I ever really appreciate what "Mommy" did for us?

Lost in our cups one night Simon realized the awful truth. "The toilet bowl!"

I weakly smiled at what was left of my family. "OH, NO!! We never put it down, did we?!" At that moment, everything came rushing back to me. He was right.

"Perhaps we should have invited Mom out for dinner tonight, buddy." He finished the other half of our mocktail. "Perhaps, Daddy. Perhaps."